Stop Smiling Through the Pain!
Toxic Positivity: The Silent Killer of Real Healing
There is a fine line between actually healing and just saying a bunch of healing things to cover up the fact that youre not really healed. We all know it: those people who flood your Instagram feed with “good vibes only” and inspirational quotes, or the ones who post perfect photos of their “#flawless” life while giving you unsolicited advice about how to "choose happiness" or "stay positive." It’s like we live in a world where everyone is obsessed with positivity to the point where real emotions get buried beneath a sea of shiny, “#blessed” aesthetics.
It sounds good on paper, right? Positivity is supposed to be the answer, but here’s the thing: Toxic positivity is messing with our healing process. It makes us feel like we have to be happy all the time, like sadness, anger, or confusion are "bad" emotions that need to be fixed ASAP. And in doing so, it denies us the space to feel and process the messiness of being human.The Problem with "Good Vibes Only"
Let’s be real. "Good vibes only" sounds cute, until it’s the thing that makes you feel like you’re drowning in guilt every time you’re not feeling okay. We're told that we should "always look on the bright side," or "just be grateful," even when everything is falling apart. It’s like we’re expected to be this constant stream of happiness, always motivated, always shiny. But guess what? That’s not how life works. Healing isn’t a hashtag you can slap on a photo—it’s complicated, messy, and a whole lot less pretty than a curated Pinterest board.
When we put this pressure on ourselves to stay "positive" 24/7, we end up pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. And eventually, that catches up with us. You start pushing down real feelings—grief, frustration, confusion—and they don’t just disappear because you threw some “good vibes” at them. They sit there, lingering beneath the surface, ready to explode at the worst possible time.
Real Healing Is Messy
Healing isn’t a 15-second TikTok clip of someone telling you to "find your inner peace" while they sip green juice. Real healing looks like sitting in the uncomfortable emotions, feeling them, and then deciding to move through them—slowly, messily, and honestly. It’s like being in a storm that you can’t control, but you have to ride it out.
Take grief, for example. Grief is one of those things we’re supposed to “get over” quickly, right? Society says we should move on fast, focus on the good memories, and celebrate life. But that doesn’t really leave any room for the sadness, the anger, or the loneliness that come with loss. You can’t heal if you’re just brushing those emotions aside. You have to sit with them, even if it’s uncomfortable. Healing starts when you stop pretending everything’s fine. It starts when you let yourself feel everything that comes with losing someone or something important.
Same goes for breakups. We’ve all seen the posts: “You deserve better!” or “The right person will come along.” And yeah, that’s true, eventually. But here’s the kicker: you’re allowed to feel all the things before you get to that “better” part. You’re allowed to sit in your anger, your heartbreak, and your confusion without feeling like you need to “move on” immediately. Healing isn’t about skipping steps—it’s about giving yourself the time and space to truly process what you’re going through.
When Positivity Becomes Dismissive
Here’s the thing about toxic positivity: it often crosses over into dismissiveness. It’s that person who tells you, “Everything happens for a reason,” when you’re in the middle of a breakdown. Or the one who says, “It could be worse,” as if comparing your pain to someone else’s makes it go away. It doesn’t. Those kinds of comments aren’t helpful—they’re just ways to avoid the real conversation about why you’re hurting.
Toxic positivity doesn’t give you room to feel. It pressures you to "fix" yourself before you even understand what’s broken. It minimizes your emotions by telling you they’re "not that bad," when, in reality, they are that bad. When we don’t honor the pain, we end up just pushing it deeper, and that’s where we get stuck.
And let’s talk about mental health. We’ve all been there—feeling anxious or depressed, and instead of getting support, we get told to “just think positive” or “stop worrying so much.” As if it were that easy. If it were, we’d all be living in a constant state of joy. But it’s not. Mental health struggles are complex, and just telling someone to “be happy” or “move on” isn’t going to fix it. Healing requires understanding, time, and sometimes professional help. It’s not something you can solve by slapping a "good vibes" filter over it.
How to Break Free from Toxic Positivity
So, how do we break free from this toxic positivity mindset? Honestly, it starts with giving ourselves permission to feel—without shame, without guilt. You don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s okay to be sad, frustrated, confused, or downright angry. Those are normal human emotions. The trick is to sit with them, accept them, and let them pass in their own time.
Here’s a few examples of what I do instead:
- Acknowledge the mess: Stop pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. If you’re hurting, feel that hurt. If you’re mad, feel that too. Your feelings are valid, even when they’re complicated.
- Let go of the "shoulds": You don’t “have to” be happy all the time. You don’t “need to” have it all figured out. Healing is a process, not a timeline. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should do.
- Surround yourself with real support: Find people who will listen to your pain, not just slap on a "silver lining." The best friends are the ones who let you vent, cry, or rage without trying to fix you immediately. Now this one may be hard. Especially with someone like me—a prideful saggitarius that would rather die than let anyone know theres something thats actually making me slide down the wall like im in an usher music video—but all you need is one person that you trust.
- Be patient with yourself: Healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel great, other days you’ll feel like you’re back at square one. That’s normal. Don’t rush the process—let it happen in its own time.
- Embrace imperfection: You don’t need to be this perfectly happy, perfect version of yourself all the time. Let yourself be messy. It’s okay to feel things that don’t fit into a perfectly framed Instagram post. Realness is more important than perfection.
The Bottom Line
Toxic positivity doesn’t just push us to be happy—it pushes us to ignore our true feelings. And ignoring your feelings doesn’t lead to healing—it leads to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and sometimes, even deeper pain. Healing isn’t about forcing a smile—it’s about acknowledging the hurt, sitting in it, and giving yourself time to truly process it.
So, let’s stop pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. Let’s stop pushing ourselves to "get over it" and "move on" just because everyone else expects us to. Real healing means feeling the pain, sitting with it, and giving yourself permission to not be okay—because that’s where the growth happens. And that’s how we truly heal… Or maybe not, who’s to say im even truly healed.